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jeffy at 04:21pm on 03/02/2009
jeffy at 04:21pm on 03/02/2009I've been a bad journalist for a few weeks, failing to either take or post my depression tracking test.
( depression test is not depressed )
No excuses, just didn't do it.
The last couple of weeks in therapy have been interesting. Last week I came in with a list of the internal messages I get when I propose to my self ("self," I says...) that we apply ourselves to some bit of work. I commented that these messages felt like they were from a part of me that was different from my conscious self. My shrink had me do an "empty chair" exercise where I sat facing an empty chair and role-played a conversation with this other self by speaking to the chair and then switching seats to answer. It felt very silly, but was also surprisingly much like being two different people, or at least like trying to get a second person who lives in the back of my head to tell me what to say. Very odd.
The outcome of this was a loose sense that that inner self (for whom I am to devise a descriptive name for next week), was starved for the kind of idle playfulness I remember from my childhood ranging across the countryside, peeking under rocks and whatnot. Further meditation on the subject refined this further into the more general "doing what I want" which I'm taking to mean having control over what I'm doing.
Since I've been in a state of stubborn defiance in the face of many demands that I do specific things, none of which are things I would choose to do, this yearning for control seemed plausible. And strangely, just having the thought seems to have deeply validated the fact that in actuality I have a tremendous amount of control over what specific actions I take at any given time. Without really thinking about it I found myself choosing things to work on from my vast array of projects, and making some progress.
So now I'm trying to find ways to let that process continue. It feels like trying to entice a feral cat to eat from your hand. I've been asking the inner question "what do you want to do now?" and endeavoring to let the answer guide me. The hard part has been keeping from falling into my usual habits of avoidance. I'm starting to think that all the avoidance and excuses and distraction tactics aren't from my subconscious, but instead from what I think of as my conscious mind trying to keep the iron boot firmly on the neck of my creative right brain self.
( depression test is not depressed )
No excuses, just didn't do it.
The last couple of weeks in therapy have been interesting. Last week I came in with a list of the internal messages I get when I propose to my self ("self," I says...) that we apply ourselves to some bit of work. I commented that these messages felt like they were from a part of me that was different from my conscious self. My shrink had me do an "empty chair" exercise where I sat facing an empty chair and role-played a conversation with this other self by speaking to the chair and then switching seats to answer. It felt very silly, but was also surprisingly much like being two different people, or at least like trying to get a second person who lives in the back of my head to tell me what to say. Very odd.
The outcome of this was a loose sense that that inner self (for whom I am to devise a descriptive name for next week), was starved for the kind of idle playfulness I remember from my childhood ranging across the countryside, peeking under rocks and whatnot. Further meditation on the subject refined this further into the more general "doing what I want" which I'm taking to mean having control over what I'm doing.
Since I've been in a state of stubborn defiance in the face of many demands that I do specific things, none of which are things I would choose to do, this yearning for control seemed plausible. And strangely, just having the thought seems to have deeply validated the fact that in actuality I have a tremendous amount of control over what specific actions I take at any given time. Without really thinking about it I found myself choosing things to work on from my vast array of projects, and making some progress.
So now I'm trying to find ways to let that process continue. It feels like trying to entice a feral cat to eat from your hand. I've been asking the inner question "what do you want to do now?" and endeavoring to let the answer guide me. The hard part has been keeping from falling into my usual habits of avoidance. I'm starting to think that all the avoidance and excuses and distraction tactics aren't from my subconscious, but instead from what I think of as my conscious mind trying to keep the iron boot firmly on the neck of my creative right brain self.
intrigued